Love & Relationships Part 1
I recently turned 39 years old, and as I reflect on my past relationships and where I am at in my life now, I honestly feel defeated and disappointed, apathetic, yet hopeful.
In my younger years, I was a hopeless romantic, dreaming of my prince charming and falling in love at first sight. Love was what you imagine in the Hallmark movies where two people meet and instantly connect, and it seems so easy. Youthful ignorance and nativity.
I was an awkward, nerdy teenager with glasses and braces through much of middle school. I envied the pretty girls who effortlessly attracted the attention of boys and walked around the hallways of school with a posse of friends. Much like the movie, Clueless, I was Tai, wishing I could be cool and socially successful like Cher. I was self-conscious of my changing body and felt uncomfortable in my own skin. And it didn’t help that I had acne either.
In high school, I played lots of sports which helped build up my confidence and positive body image. As an athlete, I played volleyball. I was a shot putter and javelineer on the track and field team; I swam and did ski patrol in the winter month. I also participated and volunteered in other extra-curricular activities such as Student Council, Habitat for Humanity, OXFAM, and Honor Society. I still wasn’t a looker and didn’t get the right attention from my crushes, but I was getting noticed by the opposite sex. I had a few “exploratory” short relationships in 10th and 11th grade.
By my senior year in high school, I was in my first real relationship. Looking back, we both were young kids, still exploring our own sexuality. It was a learning experience and the first opportunity to safely express and navigate one’s sexuality and to develop an emotional connection with someone. Although conversations were surface-level, he was a sweet guy who I fondly remember and most importantly, we had a lot fun together. Sadly, but not unexpected, the relationship did not last after we parted ways at graduation.
College is where I felt most comfortable in my own skin and wanted to truly step out of my boundaries to understand my own sexuality. It was a wild time, and probably warrants a series of separate blog posts to elaborate on the various lessons learned and real-life situations that helped me define who I am as a person today, and continually to grow in regard to what I want in a relationship.
Getting married at 25 wasn’t the fairytale that I imagined, and I will go into more details on my marriage in future blog posts, however, it wasn’t all bad, I became a mother of 2 kids after years of infertility. By the age of 34, I was divorced with two young kids, aged 4 and 2.
Shortly after my divorce, I jumped into a rebound relationship with someone and it has taken a long time for me to reflect on it and realize how much I learned about myself in that courtship. I will touch on these reflections in a future blog post.
Coming out of my rebound relationship is when I had the perspective I needed about what I wanted in a relationship, and the courage to try online dating.
What I wanted in the core was someone who wanted a life with me AND my kids. I am a mom and that whoever I was going to be with needed to accept that from the beginning and genuinely want to get to know me and my kids.
So often, when we watch dating reality TV shows, they portray two people on a tropic island, partying, and having the times of their lives, but dating after divorce with kids is a lot more complicated than that. I can’t help but wonder how those people on TV deal with real life situations, like work, kids, and daily schedules once they are off that tropic island vacation. Reality TV shows aren’t reality. As much as it shows people finding love in the world, it doesn’t show how life complicates love in the real world.
Having kids and dating is not just about two people finding love, it is blending two lives together and seeing if they are compatible. Dating in your 30s and 40s with kids is trying to find a needle in a haystack. Beyond physical attraction, this partner has to be at the same phase in life as you with similar core values when it comes to raising kids. What if you really like the person, but your kids don’t? It is as much a new relationship for you as it is for your kids.
Dating after divorce is also a time when we may feel like we need to find the perfect partner because we don’t want another failure, so we set such high expectations and walls in front of us that it becomes impossible to overcome. It’s a trap that keeps us from allowing us to get hurt but also prevents us from putting ourselves out there for love to flourish into our lives. How do we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, yet set the right perimeters for what we want in a partner and make sure that it is also what is best for our kids?
First of all, my kids are number 1, and we establish that from the beginning. Then we can say, whoever I date will have to be someone my kids get along with and someone my kids look up to as a role model.
Second, I am a working mom, so whoever I bring into my life has to accept that I have a career and support my ambitions. I am not going to suddenly give up my job for a partner even if he thinks he should be the breadwinner. I feel that this is a hard one for most men because society has these unconscious biases towards women and we need to change it. Yes, we can be both the breadwinner and a mom, it’s okay. And being both doesn’t make us less effective in one or the other role.
Lastly, both people have to agree to blend their lives together, make compromises, and is willing to make things work. Here is where communication is key. This can be the complicated part. By your 30s, you may own your house and your partner may also own theirs, so these tough conversations will need to happen. Schools and education for the kids is part of that tough conversation. Finances is the other one. Do we share our bank account or do we split things? Long before you even decide if you want to remarry, these are conversations that need to happen and this can be where the dealbreakers are revealed.
There is no right or wrong answers, but for each couple these are the types of conversations that need to happen, but a lot of times couples don’t have the time to have those adult conversations.
How do married couples communicate effectively with kids? How do we have adult conversations when we are both exhausted at the end of the day? Is there just an unspoken understanding that we will cross that bridge when the time comes?
Do we just internalize and not speak about some things because we pick our battles and some battles are just not worth fighting or discussing?
Are couples who have been through a divorce having different conversations or not having conversations because there are already lessons learned and unspoken understandings that don’t need to be verbally reiterated? How do we know we are on the same page?
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